Chunztenz

In February 2020, a single moment changed everything.

It was the day before Valentine’s Day. I was gearing up for an exciting trip to Thailand with my friends. The tickets were booked, my bags were packed, and my heart was set on escaping the familiar, But life had other plans!!.

That day, my family and I found ourselves in a hospital room, hearing words that would alter the course of our lives forever. The doctor told us that my grandmother, the one person I had always loved dearly, was battling stage 4 liver cancer. He prescribed pain medications, but the prognosis was clear, at best, she had a month to live.

In that moment, everything in my world stopped without hesitation. I remember we were dumbstruck that day, I immediately canceled my trip without a second thought. No sunny beach, no laughter, no thrill could take me away from her side and I spent those last days clinging to hope, even when it was clear that hope slipped away.

As the world outside began to darken with the onset of COVID-19, My world inside was collapsing. She passed away on 25th March as the pandemic swept in, a storm within a storm, and with her, a part of me was gone too. The light in my life dimmed, leaving me in an unfamiliar, suffocating darkness.

After she was gone, home no longer felt like home. The walls, the familiar places, all of it felt haunted by her absence. Where there had once been warmth and laughter, there was now only silence. The emptiness grew unbearable. I tried to run from the memories, tried to bury the ache by staying out late with friends, going out with them, filling the silence with loud laughter and at home, I buried myself in Pub-G, playing for hours until dawn. But the more I tried to escape, the more I realized that the grief followed me everywhere. It clung to me like an unshakable shadow.

In those days, I tried to fill the void in countless ways, I sought distractions in a search for connection. I went on several dates, tried to forge new connections, hoping someone could fill that aching space, but it was never truly present, I was a shell, desperate for validation but unable to let anyone in.

I clung to friendships as if they were my makeshift family. I loved them deeply because they were all I had to hold onto. I drank to forget, spoke too much under the influence, and tried to repair relationships that were already broken. But no matter what I did, the grief never left, It only deepened.

India, the place I had known all my life, no longer felt like the place I belonged. The memories, the loss, the pain, it all became too heavy to bear.

I began to long for distance, for a place far away where I could escape it all. I craved a new beginning, a chance to redefine myself.

I started to dream of a fresh start, somewhere far away where I could leave the heartache behind and Canada became that dream, a place where I thought I could redefine myself, away from the sorrow that had seeped into every part of my life back home.

So I moved to Canada last year, believing that distance would heal me. But instead, I found more loss waiting.

People I trusted, people I loved like family, turned on me. They twisted my words, whispered and painted me as someone I wasn’t. I tried to stay strong, to apologize where I shouldn’t have, but in the end, I chose silence over conflict. I walked away from relationships that once meant the world to me.

What was left was poisoned by betrayal, misunderstandings and doubts. It felt like losing everything all over again and this time, in a new country.

For months, I grappled with the pain of being alone, of feeling invisible. I had given so much of myself to others, but when I needed them the most, they were nowhere to be found.

I grieved, as if I had lost everything again.

Then I tried to adapt, yet again wanting to be loved and pampered, forced connections but it didn’t work. Every relationship was built under the foundation of trust, and when I feel I no longer fit, I walked away.

But then, something changed in the stillness. Slowly, I started to adapt!

I no longer chased after people or forced connections. I stopped seeking validation from places where I didn’t belong. I learned that loneliness didn’t have to be a void, it could be a sanctuary. In those quiet moments alone, I rediscovered parts of myself I never knew existed. I found strength I didn’t know I had.

And the truth is, I have learnt that loneliness can be beautiful, Its in those quiet moments alone that I have discovered that parts of myself I never knew existed. I have come to an understanding that it is okay not to fit in every space or with every person, it is okay to let go of people who once meant the world to me if staying only brings pain.

And for the first time in a long time, I was no longer afraid of being alone.

Sometimes, growth means outgrowing certain people, certain places, and certain versions of yourself.

I no longer felt the need to seek approval or affection from people who couldn’t offer it. I had begun to accept that my worth wasn’t defined by friendships that faded or relationships that crumbled.

Through all of this, I found my strength!!

“My family”

who has been my anchor. In the midst of loss and betrayal, they have been the only constant. They understand my silence, love me unconditionally, and offer me the strength to carry on.

Losing my grandparents left a void that nothing could fill, but my family’s love has been the reminder that, even when everything else falls away, they are still there.

Now, miles away from home, I realize that my journey is far from over. I am still healing, still mending, but for the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of peace.

I have embraced solitude, and in doing so, I’ve learned to love this version of myself, a version that doesn’t need external validation to know her worth.

I may be alone, but I am no longer lonely. And in this place, I’ve found a kind of happiness that is rooted not in others, but in the love I have found within myself.

In my entire existence, I have never been to a restaurant alone, but I did it and I loved it.

As I sit here, reflecting on this journey, I realize that every loss, every goodbye, has brought me closer to myself. The path has been dark, filled with shadows of memories and echoes of pain, but in this darkness,

I have found light. I have found a peace that only comes when there is no one else to rely on but yourself.

I have found a strength that only reveals itself in solitude.

To anyone reading this who has felt the weight of loneliness or the ache of loss, know that you are not alone. The journey may be long, and the pain may feel endless, but in the end, you may discover parts of yourself that you never knew existed.

Loneliness can be beautiful. It can be a space for healing and a place where you learn to love yourself without the need for validation from anyone else.

And in this place, I have found a happiness that is rooted not in others, but in the love I have found within myself.

Thank you for taking this journey with me, for reading my story this far and to those I’ve hurt in the past, I offer my deepest apologies, especially to those I wounded unknowingly under the influence. I’m sorry, from the depths of my heart.

Until next time,

With love and light,
Chunz